Raised
as a fixer, I’ve lived my life by the rules of “should” and “shouldn’t”. I should be at peace, I shouldn’t feel angry;
I should be content, I shouldn’t wish for things that aren’t mine. I’ve always viewed
God as a God that is always looking to the next area that needs
improvement. He’s never satisfied with
where I am and who I am. This has brought insurmountable shame and guilt into
my life. If I am hurting, bitter, or
angry, it must be because I am doing something wrong. If I was being obedient to God, I’d be joyful
and at peace.
Due to
the brokenness of man and the havoc this wreaks on relationships, my world has
suddenly been catapulted into pain. This
hurt coupled with pride and self love brings in anger, which leads to its
destructive friend bitterness. Immediately when these emotions come tearing
in, my first reaction is, “I shouldn’t be feeling this way. Christian’s genuinely after the heart of God
shouldn’t be battling bitterness. They trust
the will of God. So my hurt is saying
that I’m really a ‘weak’ Christian.” I should be past this. So what can I do to
“fix” this?
In
times like these, I wonder how I can so completely forget the entire purpose of
the gospel. I am broken. I am not
enough. I am insufficient to please God because I am sinful. But that is
exactly why Christ came and died for me.
He offered up His righteousness for me because no matter how many bible
studies I attend, no matter how many John Piper books I read, and no matter how
many times I read through the bible, I can never erase my depravity. This means
that even as I continue to grow in Christ, I am still going to fail epically. As Paul says in Romans 7, “For I know that
nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right,
but not the ability to carry it out.” It not only means that in order to grow I
must have God’s grace, but hopefully by God’s grace, my life is constantly in a
state of growth.
So
maybe He brings these things into my life to make me grow. Sanctification means to make something holy,
to purify. You purify precious metal by melting it in the fire and then
skimming the impurities off when they have risen to the surface. When I am in the throes of hurt, I want to
figure out what I need to do to fix it and get past it. However, maybe He wants me to feel this
pain. Paul in 2nd Corinthians
12 discusses the “thorn that was given him in the flesh”. He said that it was given to keep him from
becoming conceited. How many times have
I begun to boast in myself and my strength when things are going “well”? Would
I not continue to take credit for my seemingly great life if God did not show
me that I wasn’t really in control? Paul pleaded with the Lord three times to
remove the thorn, but God chose not to.
And this beautiful scripture explains why, “But he said to me, ‘My grace
is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I
will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ
may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses,
insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am
strong.”
Perhaps
another reason He leaves the thorn of bitterness in my side, is because He knows
I must draw closer to Him. The best answer or distraction I can come up with
leaves me filled with emptiness. In an
article on loneliness from Henri Nouwen, he speaks about not fleeing from the
pain of loneliness; that there is something hopeful about allowing yourself to
experience the pain.
“Then
suddenly I had this idea that loneliness, which is pain, when you do not run
away from it but feel it through and stand up in it and look it right in the
face, that there is something there that can be a source of hope, in the middle
of the pain there is some hidden gift… I think one of the greatest challenges
of life is to dare to stand in your pain, and to trust that there is something
beyond that which is safe. What begins to happen is something like the
experience that there is safety beyond the pain, that if you enter into it, it’s
not so frightening as you thought it was, and that underneath your loneliness,
there is an experience of being held safe…”
The Christians that dwell on “should”
and “shouldn’t”, that wallow in the shame, are missing one of the most essential
characteristics of God; His mercy. God has
positioned me exactly into this moment for my good and His ultimate glory. If He had intended for me to become instantly
holy at the moment I accepted Christ, He would have done so. But He didn’t. For Him to work in my life through this
brings about a far richer glory for Himself than would the other. And if I step into my pain and allow Him to
comfort me, it will sweeten my affections for Him.
“I've
discovered that there's much more strength in me than I realized and, in a way,
the strength is not coming from me, but it is coming indeed from someone who
holds me, who loved me long before I came into life, from someone who will love
me long after I have died. It is not an intellectual thing. Jesus for me is the
center of it. Jesus for me is the one who helps me discover that God had loved
me before I even was born, and will still love me after I die. The love of God is
a love that is there before and after any other human being has touched me. The
mystery of knowing Jesus is the mystery of knowing God who embraces me much in a
wider and deeper way, more than any human being can do.”
-Henri Nouwen
So when
the hurt comes (because it will), and when the anger rises within (because it
will), and when they merge to bring out the bitterness already within my
heart. I will not run from it and I will
not be ashamed. Because I am
forgiven. I cannot fix the brokenness
just as I couldn’t save myself. So I
must take the pain and offer it up to God.
It seems easier to pretend it isn’t there, to ignore it and stuff it
deep within my soul. But isn’t it a
better sacrifice to God to embrace the pain?
To say that I trust He gave this to me for a good purpose and I will
continue to lift it up to Him for as long as He wills me to have it. It is then,
that He can, unhindered by my pride and assumed shame, begin to work in my
heart.
